November 20, 2008 - 13:30 by Amanda.

A tiny recap, first, because while most who are reading this know the history, some of you may not. Or, in all the commotion, little details were lost. The short of the long is that I had to relinquish my horse, Cherokee, to my old barn. Circumstances, finances, and my ex - in his continued abuse of me - made it impossible to keep Cherokee. I had to put him up for sale, but that wasn’t good enough; I ended up losing him completely.

That was in March, if memory serves (again, so hectic, it’s hard to remember details). I had no idea where Cherokee was, who he was with, if he was okay, if he was alive, if he was healthy, or if he was dog food. It’d been absolute Hell not knowing anything of my baby; my best friend.

Last night, I got a message from Cherokee’s new owner. I’d been a member of an online community for those involved with horses in my area. I never took my profile down or changed any of the information. Apparently, that’s how she found me. She’d been browsing the site and saw who I was. She messaged me to let me know she has him now, and to inquire about his history. I checked out her profile upon receiving this message, and according to it, she’s been involved with horses since she was two years of age and has had professional training/education in equine studies.

I also wanted to share some of the photos she had up of him:
From May 9th: 1 | 2
From September 19th: 1 | 2

Apparently she’s had him since April, and he’s at a barn that’s only about 10 minutes away from my place. Can you believe it? And you can see in the photos what an improvement he’s made just by looking at him. (Towards the end of my time with him, he was in pretty crappy condition…I’m not the only one that my ex abused. :’( )

I wrote her back, of course, and let her know that it was good to hear from her and to see Cherokee happy and healthy. (Although, I referred to him as “Splash” as that is, as she informed me, his new name.) I gave her my email address so we could talk some more. This morning, I was happy to see an email from her, and that’s how I know he’s right under my nose. She said I could go visit him if I wanted. [!!!] Seeing him again would be so amazingly wonderful. When I got the first email, I cried so hard that I shook. Out of relief that he was well off, and out of sheer pain in missing him and having dealt with everything that had happened.

She also said that he’s been on lease with one of her students for about 7 months and that the two of them get along great. He’s even been shown! If I were a lesser person, I’d be bitter that all these other people are getting to do everything I always wanted to do with him; everything I should be doing; but in all honesty, I’m so genuinely happy that he’s, well, happy. And healthy. His new owner also informed me that she sent his tattoo number out to The Jockey Club and got some information from them about his racing records, etc. I’m hoping she’ll be willing to share that information with me; I’ve wanted to do that for so long!

And that pretty much brings us to right now. Even though I don’t get a fairy tale ending for this story, it at least seems that Cherokee, or, Splash, will get to live happily ever after. I’m so proud of him; he’s doing everything I knew he could.

My thanks once again to all of you that helped he and I in the past; this is the reward. He’s a happy horsey. Who could ask for more?

Always,
Amanda

Posted in cherokee, abuse, relationships, equine, personal | No Comments »

November 12, 2008 - 20:05 by Amanda.

This has been adapted from an instant messaging conversation I had earlier today. All the words below (aside from the quoted text) are mine. Beware of the satirical chat-speak! ;)   

They’re making a movie based on Monopoly. The board game.   

They’re making a movie. 

Based on a board game.  

In addition to that, “Universal is working with Hasbro on several projects as part of a long-term development deal. Platinum Dunes is producing its feature adaptation of ‘Ouija Board,’ while the maritime classic ‘Battleship’ is also in development. Elsewhere at Hasbro, Paramount this summer is set to release Stephen Sommers’ feature based on its ‘G.I. Joe’ character. And ‘Trivial Pursuit: America Plays’ is now airing as a syndicated television program.”  

What’s next? A movie about the Easy-Bake Oven? 
“THIS IS HOW WE WILL WRANGLE THE WIMMIN BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AND OUT OF THE BOARD ROOM.” 

Oh, I know. HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS. Quick! Make something in your Easy Bake Oven(t m)(c)(lolz) to feed the hippos before they DESTROY THE PLANET. 

EXTREME NERF/SUPER SOAKER MOVIES.

In a world where countries have lost the ability to communicate…
a crisis comes from outer space…
an invasion that threatens the entire planet…
and the only way to bond our countries and stop this evil menace…
the only hope of survival…
rests in the hands of…
PICTIONARY!

But it doesn’t have to end there! Oh no! Play-Doh can be the mystery substance that cures AIDS.  

WHAT ABOUT SIMON SAYS? The new frontier in audience participation! 
Forget 3D! 
Forget musical singalongs! 
SIMON SAYS IS WHERE IT’S AT, HIPSTERS! 

No Scrabble movie, though. Too intellectual. 
SPELLING BIG WORDS? GASP.
Oh, wait, it’d be a perfect horror film.

TWISTER: The raunchy, racy, sex-driven teen movie of 2013!
(With a different title, however, so as not to be confused with the movie about weather phenom.) Like… GREEN DOTS MEAN YOU’RE HORNY

Whac-a-Mole! The ye olde America flick about a struggling farmer and those pesky, pesky rodents!  

Or Yahtzee as an adapation of a “Vegas flick.” 

You know what’s really impending, though? 
And I’m surpirsed they HAVEN’T done it yet. 
A movie based on Magic: The Gathering. 
You know it’s looming out there. 
Waiting. 
TONIGHT ON THE SCIFI CHANNEL.

There are so many other things I didn’t even touch on, I’m sure. Got one I didn’t think of? Leave it in the comments! In all honesty though… How sad is this? :/      

Always,
Amanda 

Posted in humorous, just for fun, day-to-day | No Comments »

November 8, 2008 - 22:58 by Amanda.

The pain of honesty belongs to those who are honest. Vulnerability is a cadaver’s chest; wide for the autopsy and waiting to be gutted. Certainly the truth is easier to maintain than a lie. And an honest word is kinder than a falsehood, even if it takes a while to be seen that way. But what is there to gain from honesty? Human beings are awkward creatures, and we love affirmation from others. Who cares if it’s a lie? Isn’t ignorance supposed to be blissful? And what pain rests with those who lie to protect themselves?

Those of us with our hearts dripping down our sleeves perhaps could learn a trick or two to avoid bumping them so often. They are quite fragile, after all…

Until then, my heart will remain - as ever - bruised on my sleeve.

Always,
Amanda

Posted in introspective, personal | No Comments »

November 4, 2008 - 11:49 by Amanda.

Thank you to all my fellow Americans that made a difference by voting in the election!

Personally, I am quite disappointed in a lot of my local election results, but I am trying to remain optimistic. Here’s to a brighter tomorrow for me, for you, for America, and for the world!

Short and sweet! Obama is about to make his speech.

Always,
Amanda

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October 30, 2008 - 15:08 by Amanda.

I’m not one to really care about celebrity gossip or things of a tabloid nature. But the world being what it is nowadays, it is something that I stumble upon now and then. Once such incident happened yesterday. Apparently, Celine Dion went to Saks Fifth Avenue after hours the other night with an entourage and a personal shopper. According to the source, she spent a whopping $400,000.00 - and, no, that’s not a typo.

I know she’s Celine Dion. I know it’s Saks Fifth Avenue. Lots of money is pretty synonymous with each of those names. But four hundred thousand dollars?! Goodness!
The only logical thing for me to do was to open up Saks Fifth Avenue’s website and go on a shopping spree. I figured I’d fill my bag (It’s not a cart on the Saks website, dahling!) with anything and everything I found appealing, no matter the cost. If I liked it, I snagged it. Clothing, makeup, accessories, shoes, bags, household items, etc. I got a few items with others in mind as well. I saw a box of chocolate frogs, and had to toss them in my bag for a particular someone. She knows who she is. Shopping for my boyfriend at Saks is impossible, though. I did see one shirt that said “imported for my talents” which would have been pretty hilarious, but the back of the shirt ruined it. Pity.

My least expensive purchase was a pair of stirrup tights for $12.00. Personally, I’m shocked that Saks had anything that cheap!

My most expensive purchase was a diamond necklace for $2,300.00.

When all was said and done, I had 172 items in my bag, for a grand total of $57,539.56. Celine Dion I am not. Although, her personal shopper earns a reported 7% of her purchases. $28,000.00 to take Celine Dion shopping? Perhaps I should consider that as a career!

After all this, I know now, more than ever, that I am most definitely not a Saks Fifth Avenue kind of girl, and I doubt I ever could be. Even if I had $400,000 to spend at whim. For all the hype, it’s really not very impressive. Labels. Pft.

Always,
Amanda

Posted in just for fun | No Comments »

October 28, 2008 - 23:17 by Amanda.

My mother and I had a shopping/errand running day today. It went fairly well, all things considered. Our first stop was to Amber Glen Feed Depot to deal with some consignment I have there. It’s always heartbreaking to go… I miss Cherokee so much. I miss being involved with horses. I miss that world and taking part in it. But even sitting at my computer and reading about equine-related events and topics wears on me after a while. Perhaps, in time, it’ll get easier. After all, a few months ago I couldn’t deal with anything remotely equine without crying.

From Amber Glen, we went to a few different stores. Got a few things in preparation for Christmas, which includes a new pair of socks for me! Forgive me if I wax upon girlish giggles, but these new socks? They jingle.

Look at those sassy sheer socks! These helped cheer me up a bit from recent events and after leaving Amber Glen nearly in tears. I’m such a Minty.

We went to the men’s section of one store for a bit of gift-getting, and, as usual, I was lamenting because, well, guys always have cool stuff! And then I found a shirt I was more than thrilled to take home:

Underdog! Oh, where have all the good cartoons gone nowadays? (There are a couple exceptions out there, of course.)

We stopped for dinner and then did a bit more shopping. I discovered that the hard candies my grandmother always used to buy for accents on her Christmas cookie trays are under the name of Washburn. I squealed in all my fangirly delight while also lamenting at the slight spelling difference.

I discovered that despite the holidays being right around the corner, it’s damn hard to find a decent turkey breast. Who knew? I did, however, snag a nice pumpkin to carve. I’ll also be roasting the seeds and experimenting with a recipe I found using the pulp. More on that to come in a later blog!

We’ve had a “cold” front settle in over the last few days. It’s not cold, hence the quotations, but it is gorgeous! The cooler temperatures, the breeze, ah! So lovely. I long for it to continue and progress so I can have some snow for Christmas.

I think that’s about all I can report on regarding today. (I think I’m forgetting some things I wanted to touch on, but…) I - of course - had my boyfriend on my mind constantly and dropped him a line or call periodically. Shopping did serve as a well-needed distraction from stressing over everything, though. All in all, I think it’s safe to say it was a good day. Here’s to hoping tomorrow is even better.

Always,
Amanda

Posted in family, equine, day-to-day, personal | No Comments »

October 27, 2008 - 18:15 by Amanda.

I’m at a loss.

I’ve dealt with my share of death and despair. The shortest, least eloquent way to put it is to say that it sucks. The impending doom of sickness eats us alive. I know that feeling. I loathe that feeling. But I’ve felt worse. I feel worse. Knowing that someone else’s gut is being crushed by such feelings is more heartbreaking to me than feeling that pain on my own. I would take that pain away in an instant and gladly suffer it myself in place of my loved ones.

But I can only be here. Ready. Waiting. What can I do? How can I help? Please, God; let me be of help. Let me ease their pain. Give me the strength. Give me the words. The actions. The gestures. Something. Anything.

Is it enough? What I do, what I say…does any of it help? They tell me it does. But I can’t feel it. I don’t feel like I’m doing enough, but I don’t know what else to do.

I know that on the other side of the coin there is a person happy for the company. The comfort. The knowledge that there is someone there who cares for them, loves them, and would do anything in the world to help them. It’s enough. I’ve been on that side. I know it.

But why don’t I feel it? What is it about being on this side of the issue that changes things? Simply put, none of us wants our loved ones to suffer in any manner. And despite knowing that you can’t just lift away the grief or snap your fingers and turn everything into gumdrops, we still want to. But logical thinking and emotional thinking rarely cross paths and agree.

My friend’s father is (still) in ICU. My boyfriend’s grandmother - diagnosed with cancer in her bone marrow only yesterday - just passed on naught an hour ago.

Speaking physically, I’m not far from my friend. If something happens to her father, I can be there with her in half an hour, maximum. Regrettably, I can’t say the same for my boyfriend. I want nothing more than to be with him right this instant. Just to be there for him. But I can’t. I can’t even buy a fucking last minute ticket up there because my passport is out of date.

I was planning on putting in the paperwork to renew it this week. Irony strikes again. If I expedite my paperwork, I can have my passport in two weeks.

Two weeks.

I blame myself entirely, because I should have dealt with my passport months ago. I can’t even remember, now, why I didn’t. I should have. I could be on the next flight out if I had. But instead, I’m stuck here. To feel that I lack the words or the comfort I need to give while with someone; at least I can hold them. Hug them tight, give them a shoulder to cry on. A soft word. That little something to help. But I’m not there. I feel terrible. I should be there. But I’m not. I can’t be. I’m at a loss.

A loss for a loss. Tears for tears. Pain for pain. A phone call full of words and longing to send more. But can such a thing ever be enough?

For now, I have (sadly) done all that I am capable of doing for him, and I’m trying to devise a way to do more sooner rather than later. I have a rant regarding America, Canada, and passports waiting under my breath; but I simply don’t have the strength to argue it right now. I can do nothing else now but wait. And hope.

Always,
Amanda

Posted in dealing with distance, relationships, friends, introspective, personal | 3 Comments »

October 25, 2008 - 23:50 by Amanda.

Quite a few times in my life, I’ve come to realize things about myself long after others have. I have this quirk where, when writing in print, I dot my “i” before I write in the line of the “i.” I had apparently done this all my life, but it wasn’t until my sophomore year of high school, when a friend of mine pointed it out to me, that I had any idea. This is a lesser example of my personal revelations.

I have always, unfortunately, had a self-depreciating outlook. I hold myself to higher standards than I do others, and those standards are oftentimes too high for me. Sometimes for anyone, for that matter. Yet when I fail to reach those heights, I get upset with myself. I think I’ve gotten better about this recently. For so many years, my close friends and family would praise me or my accomplishments, but I could only see the flaws. I imagine that most of us are like that, in varying degrees. But in the past few years or so, I have actually been able to praise myself. To recognize when I worked hard on something and made an achievement. To actually see good qualities in myself that I never realized were really there.

Despite this, I still find myself wondering how someone like me, in all my good quality, can attract the kind of things and people and treatment that I do.
I am by no means saying that I am perfect or without flaw, because that’s ridiculous. But I am at a point where I can recognize myself as a good person.

During a session downtown, our group leader started a discussion with us about typical personality types of abusers, and typical personality types of those being abused. It’s not always the case, of course, but on it is found to be true on the majority. What she told us started a good discussion among the others. I, however, sat in silence, taking in their words, but mostly resenting what we’d just been told.
She told us that abusers like people who are loving, caring, loyal individuals. Because they’re less likely to leave an abusive situation. She listed off several related examples, but I don’t think it’s necessary to delve that deep here.

In the blink of an eye, everything I had been praised for in the past became faults. If I was a callous bitch, would the things I’d gone through never have happened? So many thoughts raced through my mind. The foremost thought being, “How unfair.”
Life, of course, is never fair. Life is just life and you have to take things in stride. But saying that, knowing that, and living that are all completely different.

I tried to cheer myself up the day after the meeting. On the bright side, I was out of the abusive relationship, and I had made a promise to myself to fill my life only with those who truly appreciated me. Those who loved me, cared about me, and - possibly most importantly - respected me. I have known since I was five years old what it’s like to be punished just for being who you are. No more.

But, man plans and God laughs. I suppose, in this case, His laugh was one of despondence. Because simply deciding that things are going to be different doesn’t make them different. That’s not to say that I haven’t put for the effort. I have made sacrifices and decisions in order to put myself first. I’ve tried to take care of myself before worrying about everyone else. I am, by nature, a mother hen. A mother hen with a worry wart. I always tell others to “be safe” when we part ways. My friends and family are always on my mind. I am, as mentioned above, both very caring and very loving.

But no good deed goes unpunished.

Sometimes I wish I could flip a switch and be that callous bitch that has everything go her way. To not care so damn much about everything. To just…be different. To not be taken advantage of so easily.

And isn’t that awful? When someone you care for, someone you love… Someone who praises you up and down and claims to care for and love you in turn, spins around and betrays you by treating you like dirt and taking advantage of you… Can you call such actions loving or caring in any way? I can’t.

It’s all very N/S/E/W for me, because I’m so fenced about everything. I know I can’t change who I am, but I also know I have the power to change who I do and do not have in my life. I can’t let “bad seeds” grow around me and then complain about them being there to drag me down. But it’s hard to dig up those deep roots; it’s hard to let go of something you love.

Always,
Amanda

Posted in abuse, relationships, introspective, personal | No Comments »

October 24, 2008 - 15:53 by Amanda.

Any relationship requires a little something on the behalf of each party. And I do mean any relationship, but for the sake of this blog, I’m speaking strictly of romantic relationships. Trust, honesty, communication, and so on - all vital ingredients to relationship glue. In a long distance relationship, this “glue” is even more important. Thankfully, my partner and I are in complete agreement and understanding with each other. That’s not to say we don’t have an occasional misunderstanding. It’s a fact of life and it does happen sometimes, no matter what. But the fact that he and I are open with each other and are capable of having a discussion without jumping to conclusions means that whatever the misunderstanding may have been, it’s usually over pretty quickly.

This all sounds fine and dandy, right? Well, it’s not quite so simple as all that, and outside sources seem to keep wanting to scramble it up.

And now we get to the meat of this blog.

My boyfriend is in Canada. I’m in the United States. Obviously, distance is a factor, otherwise they wouldn’t classify a long distance relationship differently than any other romantic involvement. But my current gripe comes in the form of cell phone service. I recently switched service providers. I have gone back to Virgin Mobile from Boost Mobile. Why? The short answer is that VM is better in so many ways. And while I am pleased with their services and options, there is one thing that urks me.

Being Pay As You Go, I pay $.20 per minute for all my calls. Text messaging is $.10 to send and $.10 to receive. (I don’t believe in charging for received text messages, but all companies seem to be jumping on board, so I submit to it. For now.)

BUT WAIT.

Calling to Canada? + $.15 a minute. That’s $.35 per minute just to talk to my boyfriend. OK, fine. It’s an “international call” despite the fact that calls to Mexico can be as cheap as $.05 extra per minute. (Which, by the way, is utter bullshit.) My home phone service allows me to call anywhere in Canada without any additional fees. Obviously it’s technically international, given that it’s a different country, but come on. It’s right there. Ya know?

Sadly, that’s not the worst part. Sending a text message to my boyfriend’s cell phone? $.20 instead of $.10. Why? Do text messages file through customs now or something? The kicker is that if he sends me a text, it’ll only cost $.10 for me to read it, which is the regular rate. Their logic does not resemble our Earth logic.

It’s really nothing tragic or dire and it’s not something I can’t handle. But it’s certainly worth the mini-rant.

The truth is that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t much matter how much they charge (although I’m not keen to inform the company of that XD), because it won’t stop us from being in contact with one another. Miles and miles of distance can’t keep our hearts apart, and nothing else could boast such a feat, either. <3

Always,
Amanda

Posted in dealing with distance, relationships, communication, rant, personal | No Comments »

October 20, 2008 - 02:24 by Amanda.

I was at my grandmother’s this weekend, as often I can be found a couple times a month. It was gorgeous out today, and as I sat on the ground, taking in the fresh breeze and calling on memories, I decided to do something of a video blog. However, it’s awfully crappy (to say the least) and anyone who isn’t quite aware of my situation may not follow it all that well.

But, here it is, nonetheless. Enjoy.

Always,
Amanda

Posted in video, day-to-day, personal | No Comments »